The Lance Armstrong: Not to be confused with the "Stretch Armstrong" from last year's list of new positions. The Lance Armstrong involves inserting ones testicle into one's own body cavity, or simply tying it off with a rubber band until it wilts and falls off like a pitbull's tail. Very popular with Asians.
	Putting on the Ritz: How shall we put this delicately? A lady, hovers over a cracker, while a gentlemen also positions a cracker underneath his personage. Then after explelling waste onto the crackers, they mush them together into a sandwich cookie... The worst sandwich cookie ever.
	Stratford Shakespearean Festival: This involves a bucket of human shit and one very unhappy house cat.
	Living Lohan: Clean off your flat screen TV. We mean really clean that thing off. Use Vaseline to grease the edges of the Television. Careful insert said TV deep into an orfice of your choice. We suggest the one that poops comes out of. After the TV is in place...well, that's it. You've got it. Great, now America's Funniest Home Videos is on and we can't watch it because the TV is in your asshole. You ruin everything, Lindsey.
	The Grandpa Cheese Surprise: This is a sex act for all of the lonely men in the world. Take a small slice of cheese and place it in the end of your dick, lay your penis on a mousetrap and wait patiently for a mouse to arrive and enjoy. Asians love this one.
	The Doggie Door: A glory hole for ass-play enthusiasts.
	The 5 Point Economic Recovery Plan: The night before you intend to preform the 5 point economic recovery plan swallow no less than 10 quarters. The next day gather up your friends that are unemployed. Spread out a bedsheet on the floor. Release your bowels onto the sheet and watch the poor people fight for your shit quarters.
	Mr T FlavorWave Oven: Doggie-Style after you have eaten the endless pasta bowl at Olive Garden.
	Mel Gibson: Okay this is a tricky one. It involves a bedsheet, and oscilating fan, a pint of Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby, and a copy of The Diary of Anne Frank. You can probably figure out the rest. We've heard that Asians enjoy this one.
	The JonBenet Ramsey: Not so much a sex postion, but a term for fucking until you are comatose in the basement with a rope around your neck. See also: the David Carradine.
	Typical Tuesday Night for Tyra Banks: Sex with a puppet vagina. Not one of those vagina puppets used to demonstrate how the female body works, mind you. This involves breaking into the Jim Henson Workshop and raping the shit out of some muppets.
	Fistee Cuffs: When Two partners are fisting each other and simultaneously sucking on each other's feet. The end result should look like some sort of grotesque ying yang or Jim Belushi without his shirt on.
	Moons over My Hammy: Go to the local Denny’s with your sexual partner. Go into the bathroom. Use the restroom. Wash your hands, and return to your table. Sit down and order the Grand Slam, bacon or sausage, you pick. Wait twenty or so minutes, having casual conversations with your partner. When the food arrives, thank the waitress. Spread your napkin along your lap. Pick up your knife and fork. Slowly eat the food on your plate enjoying both the flavor and abundance. When you are finished with the food have the waitress clear your plates, thank her again for the food. She will return with a check. Pay it leaving a twenty percent tip. Leave the eating establishment and return home. Watch some television and take a nap.
	The Fist Up My Ass While a Thai Hooker Gently Flogs My Undercarriage with a Riding Crop and Insults Me In Mandarin While Stepping on My Face: Asians, surprisingly, not so fond of this one.